


Sexiest 'Something' Alive

by Niobium



Series: Jane Foster Works [16]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Jane Foster Loves Science, News Media, POV Jane Foster, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Thor Is Not Stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 16:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5423660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niobium/pseuds/Niobium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is bound and determined to make sure a <i>human</i> is awarded the title of Sexiest Man Alive (he even has a solid candidate in mind); Jane just wants media outlets to get their science right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexiest 'Something' Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is fairly fluffy and light-hearted, and owes its existence to a few things:
> 
> [This tumblr post](http://the-irish-mayhem.tumblr.com/post/107336841956/a-lot-of-times-articles-that-are-mainly-about-thor) by the-irish-mayhem  
> [This real world event (video)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZws_TyoXrc)  
> [MediAvengers](http://mediavengers.tumblr.com/), a really great Avengers-in-Media blog
> 
> I’ve fudged a lot of things regarding how published media in general and People’s title of ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ in particular are handled for purposes of amusement; there’s a coat rack by the door from which you may wish to suspend your disbelief.

***

“Darcy to Jane. It’s coffee time.”

Jane blinked and looked away from the monitor which had been filling her entire visual range for who knew how long. Darcy was standing next to her, all ready to go in her jacket and knit hat and with her laptop bag slug over her shoulder. 

Jane squinted at her computer’s clock. “Is it 10 already?”

“Yep. Let’s go. Morning break starts now.”

Jane rubbed a hand over her face. She’d been so focused on the schematic for her singularity device (revision 3, a.k.a. the Version Which Won’t Knock Out Power On Three Floors) that she hadn’t noticed the preceding two hours go by, much less heard or seen Darcy approach. Which meant it was definitely time for coffee. 

“Okay. Yeah, let’s go.”

“That’s what I’ve been standing here saying. For like, three minutes.”

“Sorry, just, these changes are pretty complex and I have to—”

Darcy leaned over and turned off the monitor. “Nope. No more work. It’s coffee time.”

Jane sighed and got up, wincing at how stiff her feet felt. “Right. Coffee, _then_ more work.” She packed her laptop and pulled on her coat and gloves. 

As she steered Jane towards the door, Darcy said, “Let’s not be too hasty about when work will resume.”

***

Even though she complained stridently about any interruptions to her work, Jane secretly didn’t mind the ritual mid-morning walk for coffee that Darcy had implemented two months prior. The break helped Jane refocus her energy if she was stuck or running in circles, and sometimes gave her inspiration for a new direction when she hadn’t even known she’d needed one. On this day in particular that could prove particularly useful. Redesigning the singularity device to accommodate the new, Stark Industries-supplied power source and accompanying wiring was a delicate process full of pitfalls and complications, and she had to triple-check everyone’s work. It was also a welcome distraction from the probe project, which was stalled in final approval of the launch and delivery system plans.

An essential part of the coffee ritual was sitting in the cafe with their laptops and doing whatever they wanted, as long as that wasn’t work. For Jane this meant going through her RSS feed and scanning various forums, boards, and magazine sites like Wired and Scientific American. For Darcy it could involve anything from arguing with people on social media to catching up on the latest Avengers-themed gossip and rumors. 

They grabbed their drinks and pastries and found a spot next to the fireplace that had them sitting side-by-side on big, soft, overstuffed, vinyl chairs with swinging lap tables. Jane started out with the news like usual, nibbling on her apple croissant between stories, then moved on to the Wired website. An enormous splash image of Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX, greeted her, and in the background was one of the deep space probes she’d helped Stark Industries design and build. This Man Is Going To Change The Face of Space Exploration, Wired informed her.

“Looks like the SpaceX article is out,” Jane said, and opened it. Darcy leaned over to get a look at her screen.

“Is that the piece where he mentions the probes?”

“Should be.”

Darcy went back to her laptop. “I told Stark to get him to drop your name more.” 

Jane gave Darcy a tired look, which Darcy didn’t see since she was already reading a rumor mill site. Jane said, “You know you don’t need to do that, right?”

“Why not? He’s only the world’s leading space entrepreneur and he’s only putting equipment you designed and helped build into space. The least he can do is say your name to a journalist every now and then.”

Jane sighed. She couldn’t totally disagree. She continued reading the article; it was mostly Wired stroking Elon Musk’s ego in a nearly embarrassing fashion, but at least they had their science right. There was an overview of the project, a section about the probes, a large block of text devoted to SpaceX’s on-going partnership with Stark Industries (of course), and a brief rundown of everyone involved, including herself.

And that’s where it all went horribly wrong.

“ _What?_ ” Jane said aloud.

“What what.”

“They called me ‘renegade’.” Jane pointed at the offending word on her laptop. “Wired called me ‘renegade’.”

Darcy gave Jane a dry, sideways glance. “Well they clearly don’t know you all that well.” 

Jane narrowed her eyes at Darcy. "This is important. They’re saying because I’m working in the private sector and not at a research institute with my own lab that I’m just some sort of, of, free agent, or something.”

“You are definitely out of control.”

“I’m being serious.”

“So am I,” Darcy said, and had a huge bite of her scone. “Wired isn’t exactly the Nobel Committee, who cares about their wrong opinions.”

Well, that was true. And Musk _had_ talked her up, and the part about the project’s aims was solid. Yet she couldn’t help but feel annoyed. “People who read Wired care. And if they’re out there calling me ‘renegade’ for working where I could get taken seriously that’s a problem.”

Darcy gestured with her coffee. “So we’ll have you do an article in some other science magazine and you can point out that government funding for space exploration and study has been massacred and most astrophysics departments are crowded with misogynistic white guys who won’t let anyone not a white guy like themselves advance, so if some of you are going private it’s kind of out of necessity, and maybe they should stop throwing words like ‘renegade’ around unless they mean it like you’re an astrophysics superhero blazing new trails with your telescope and alien boyfriend.”

As ridiculous as it felt to be called an ‘astrophysics superhero blazing new trails with a telescope and alien boyfriend’, the idea of setting the record straight did appeal. Jane fidgeted with her coffee cup. “I guess we could do that.”

“Maybe Stark can set something up. I’ll harass him.” Darcy sipped from her coffee. “And for the record, I think ‘renegade astrophysicist’ is pretty cool.”

Jane took a calming breath and continued reading. Aside from Wired’s description of her, it was an okay piece. She moved on to the next article, about computer viruses which could breach air gap firewalls, and had just gotten to the good part when Darcy’s voice drew her out of the discussion of acoustical mesh networks.

“Looks like Thor made the headlines again.” 

Thor being in the news was nothing new, so Jane went back to reading, but after a few seconds of silence she heard Darcy choke on her coffee.

“Jane,” Darcy wheezed, and pointed at her screen. ‘Demi-God To Be People’s Next Sexiest Man Alive?’ filled half of it, with a moderate-resolution image of Thor from the Battle of New York taking up the rest.

Jane sighed. It was going to be one of those weeks.

***

They were not back in the lab more than five minutes before Tony ambushed them. “Can you believe this?” he said without preamble.

Jane was already neck-deep in firmware changes and decided to ignore him. Darcy, on the other hand, looked up from her laptop, probably glad for another break from email duty. 

“Yeah, Wired calling Jane ‘renegade’ _is_ pretty out there.”

Tony blinked. “Wired called you ‘renegade’?” he said to Jane.

Jane left off her coding just long enough to reply, “They did.”

“So I guess that means the Musk article is out.” Tony took out his phone and swept at it. He tapped here and there. 

“Well, you _are_ working here in the private sector instead of—” His voice died, and Jane glanced up to find Darcy glaring at him and shaking her head. Tony finished with, “Instead of among sexist, entrenched, backwards-thinking scholars who’ve never left the planet. And, anyways, ‘renegade’ sounds cool. What’s wrong with being renegade?”

Darcy smiled at him. “That’s what _I_ said.”

Tony gestured at Darcy in wordless concordance. Jane gave up any pretenses of trying to work. 

“It’s not ‘cool’, it’s diminishing and invalidating. It means I’m not a real scientist.”

Tony shrugged. “Only to people who don’t know what they’re talking about.” Jane raised her eyebrows at him, and he cleared his throat. “Which is a lot of people, I’ll grant you.”

“I think we need to get a response article done,” Darcy said. Tony nodded.

“I’m sure Pepper knows someone who knows someone. But, that’s not why I came down here.” He tossed a print copy of the tabloid Darcy had been reading online earlier onto Darcy’s desk. The picture was different—this was a smartphone-quality shot of Thor fighting Malekith in Greenwich—but the headline remained the same.

In a wry tone, Darcy said, “Are you saying you don’t think Thor qualifies as ‘sexiest’?”

Tony squinted at her. “He’s not human. So technically, he can’t be sexiest ‘man’ alive.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. Jane said, “I assume you think _you’re_ the obvious candidate.”

“I got it back in ‘05. Getting it a second time seems...” He waved a hand.

“Pointless?” Darcy offered.

“Gratuitous?” Jane suggested.

Tony sighed at them and settled on the edge of Darcy’s desk. “ _Excessive_. I don’t see why they ever give it to the same person twice, there are plenty of other good candidates. Rhodey, for example.”

“So campaign for him,” Darcy said. 

Tony gave Darcy a skeptical look. “Campaign against Thor?”

“I’m sure Thor would back you on the whole ‘disqualified because alien’ thing.” 

“But he loves titles.”

“Like you said, it’s for a _human_. And I’m positive Thor would hear you out on it going to Colonel Rhodes instead. Jane, back me up.”

Jane had attempted to get back to her work, and so said, “He would,” both because she agreed with Darcy and because agreeing would keep her involvement in the conversation to a minimum and maybe get Tony out of their hair.

Tony seemed to think that over, then said, “Well then. As you were, ladies.” He hopped to his feet and quit the lab, and all was blissfully silent once more.

***

Jane was hyper-focused on her work for most of the day and so forgot entirely about the article until dinner. She only remembered then because someone (Tony, no doubt) had furnished Thor with a copy of the tabloid. He read the short piece with a level of seriousness Jane thought entirely wasted on a ragmag; of course, she’d never been a dynastic inheritor who’d set up shop on another world. Maybe these kinds of things were important when you were at that level of inter-Realm politics. 

“Is this a significant title?”

“Not in any kind of political way. Mostly it’s just a media sensation. Everyone gets to argue the actual definition of ‘sexiest’ and debate the merits and flaws of whoever they pick and why there’s not a category for women...” Jane gestured with her wineglass. “All of which has everyone talking about People Magazine, which is, of course, what People Magazine actually wants. If their choice is controversial in some way, that just helps.”

“Mmmm.” Thor set the magazine aside and resumed eating his dinner. “I am honored by the implication, but I am inclined to agree with Stark. It is a title intended for a person of Midgard, and so should go to one of your people.”

Which confirmed where he’d gotten the magazine from. Jane sipped her wine. “In that case, when they inevitably send someone over here to congratulate you, think you can put in a good word for Colonel Rhodes?”

Thor frowned between bites of enchilada. “This piece does not say it is a certainty I will be given this title, only that I am to be considered.”

Jane arched an eyebrow at him. Thor had the grace to let the possibility of him not being dubbed sexiest anything alive go without further comment. He cleared his throat, nodded, and said, “Certainly. The title would suit him well.”

***

Dorian Ellisman—the tawny-skinned, black-haired young man in the sharp blue suit who was tasked with bringing the good news to Thor—was definitely not prepared for anything which transpired. From the second Darcy ushered him into the Tower his eyes went wide, and they stayed that way through-out the tour, which Tony guided personally. Tony made sure to drag Jane and Bruce along to explain their experiments in the lab.

Next came lunch with Pepper, Maria, Jane, Darcy, and Thor. Darcy had suggested Thor dress casually but immaculately, which Thor had apparently taken to mean ‘wow us without wearing a suit’. Jane wasn’t sure if that was a misunderstanding on Thor’s part or some sort of coded language he and Darcy had developed, but she had no complaints. He’d chosen to wear a long, black, velvet, jacket edged in thin gold, red, and blue embroidery over a pleated white shirt and black slacks, giving him a sort of expensively comfortable look. 

Pepper had arranged for the food to be catered by the Indian restaurant down the block which she favored. They spent a good ten minutes filling their plates with papadan, samosa, tandoori chicken, vegetable biryani, and dabs of chutney. Once the water and lassi were served, Dorian finally got around to telling Thor the good news.

“Well, as for the reason I’m here. The Editors of People Magazine would like to name you Sexiest Man Alive for 2015.”

“I see. And what does this title entail?”

“Ah, well, we’d do a photoshoot, and a few videos, some TV show spots, and a write-up in the magazine. We announce it sometime around November, usually. It helps people get to know you a little, give them an idea of what you’re like beyond what they see in the tabloids.”

“Mmmm.” Thor had a sip of lassi. “I am honored, Dorian Ellisman, but I am afraid I must decline.”

For a second, Dorian looked like he hadn’t actually understood a single syllable coming out of Thor’s mouth. He blinked and glanced around the table, maybe to see if anyone else was as confused as he was. Then he said, “I’m sorry?” His expression became the kind Jane thought people used when they were ready to provide a laugh on the off chance this was some kind of elaborate joke, and they wanted to pretend it hadn’t actually managed to catch them off guard.

“I must decline the title,” Thor repeated. “Though I appreciate the gesture, I am not of Midgard, and it would be unreasonable for me to accept when so many of your own people deserve it as much or more than I do.”

Dorian stared. Jane wondered if this was going to get him fired, and bit her lip. They hadn’t thought about how Thor’s refusal would effect anyone not an Editor.

Thor said, “I do have alternatives to recommend, if I may.”

That seemed to jog Dorian out of his fugue. “Oh. Um. Definitely.” He took a very long drink of water. Jane suspected he wished it was something alcoholic. “Who did you have in mind?”

“Colonel James Rhodes, a steadfast hero of Midgard. I am honored to call him my ally.”

“Iron Patriot?”

“Yes.”

Dorian ran a hand through his hair. Jane was sure he was trying to formulate a plan of attack for the rest of his day, which they’d probably just made into a nightmare. With another look around the table, this one somewhat accusatory, Dorian said, “What can you tell me about him? I mean, personally, not just what I’d get out of the usual propaganda.”

Thor smiled and regaled him with tales of the Colonel’s bravery, skill, compassion, and general superiority. By the time lunch was done Jane suspected Dorian had more than enough to write a cover story on Colonel Rhodes ‘as told by the alien who turned down being named Sexiest Man Alive’. 

Tony needed Thor for something after that, so Jane and Darcy showed Dorian out. As they passed the reception desk, Dorian said, “If we created a new, separate award, do you think he’d accept that?”

Darcy looked askance at Jane. Jane said, “Probably, but you’d need to make it something that explicitly isn’t for humans. Like, I don’t know—‘Sexiest Alien’, maybe.” Jane nodded in agreement.

Dorian frowned. “Not ‘Sexiest Demi-God’?”

“Well he’s not really a god,” Jane said. 

Dorian exuded sheer disbelief. Darcy said, “Don’t argue with her about it, you won’t get anywhere.”

Dorian sighed. “Right. Sexiest E.T. Alive.” He paused. “ _Are_ there other aliens on the planet?”

Jane said, “Statistically speaking, there have to be.”

“Yeah. Okay. It was good meeting you Darcy, Dr. Foster. Thank you for lunch and the tour.” His handshake was firm and friendly, and Jane thought he’d calmed down since lunch. 

“No problem,” Darcy said. “Sorry for making your life harder.”

Dorian gave them both a sardonic smile. “Well, just between us? I was pushing for the Rock. So I don’t mind _that_ much.”

“Let us know if we can help,” Darcy said. Dorian promised he’d be doing just that.

***

Jane didn’t see Thor again for the rest of the day, and discovered a little before bed that what Tony had needed him for (along with the rest of the Avengers) was a mission. She woke the next morning and, finding Thor still gone, checked her texts. Darcy had left her a brief rundown: most of them had returned with injuries, some of them significant. 

Jane had accepted that she would never get used to this part of her life several months ago, and so was able to convince herself to take a shower and change clothes before heading down to the infirmary. Tony, Colonel Rhodes, and Sam all looked like they’d been used by something as punching bags, and one of the Colonel’s arms was in a sling. Steve had numerous bandages on his arms and neck, and Bruce—injury free, though with an air of exhaustion clinging to him—was taping up one of Steve’s wrists. There was no sign of Clint or Natasha. And Thor...

Maria intercepted Jane on her way to the bed at the back of the room and explained he was on his second regeneration phase and was (as far as they knew) doing fine. Helen thought he’d be done soon-ish if the length of the previous phase was any indication, though he might need a third one. 

Jane settled herself in a chair and Maria offered to get her some coffee, which Jane agreed to with a nod. There weren’t, thankfully, any externally visible injuries left for her to catalog, though the blood still caked here and there on his skin and the broad, dark stains on the sweats they’d put him into suggested something had done its level best to cut him to pieces. His hair was matted with something dark like ash or charcoal; it would need one hell of a washing and brushing, which (shower time with Thor aside) Jane was really not looking forward to.

She took his free hand (the other was resting on Mjölnir’s handle) and held it. Darcy brought her a tablet so she could do some work if she wanted.

After an hour one of the pieces of equipment chirped, and the soft, dusty, blue glow around him faded. His eyes opened, and he turned his head and looked at her. She smiled and set her tablet aside.

“Hey,” she said. Thor squeezed her hand in response. “Let me guess—I should’ve seen the other guy?”

He managed a small smile. “Our foe was vanquished and we have all returned victorious.” His voice sounded rough, and he grimaced when he swallowed. “How fare the others?”

“They’re mostly okay. Though we need to get Bruce into a bed. Did you want some water?”

He nodded, and Jane fetched him a glass, letting Bruce know he was up as she passed through the outer room. The news seemed to relax him, and Tony swooped in, taking advantage of the moment in Jane’s wake.

“Okay, so, now you can nap.”

“I’m fine—”

“I’m sure ‘awake for forty-eight hours’ is not equatable to ‘fine’ no matter how complicated the math is.”

She heard Helen chime in, gently urging Bruce to rest. Then she was out of earshot of all of them.

Thor drank the entire glass in one go. He laid his head back and sighed. “If Dorian Ellisman’s employers saw us now, would they still find us worthy of the their title?”

Jane glanced in the other room. Colonel Rhodes and Sam were dozing on beds, and Helen was gently coaxing Bruce into doing the same while Bruce tried to use his lack of sleep as leverage to insist on an x-ray of Tony’s leg. Steve was settled in and debriefing with Maria; some of his bandages were off now, but he had a ways to go in healing.

She looked at Thor again and rubbed his hand. “Well, really, what’s sexier than beat up superheros?” she said, and he huffed a soft, voiceless laugh.

***

The first stirrings that their efforts with Dorian had yielded results came a week later. ‘Sources say Thor declines Sexiest Man Alive!’ blared the headlines, complete with a random, poorly-focused paparazzi photo of Thor and Jane having lunch in a small cafe. The reporters asked Pepper and Maria and Tony about it constantly; Maria and Pepper put them off or changed the subject. Tony, of course, used it as an opportunity to further his personal, Colonel Rhodes-related agenda.

“Seems reasonable,” he said in one interview. “If he thinks it should go to someone from Earth then maybe it should. After all, there are plenty of humans who deserve that title. For example, my long time friend, Colonel James Rhodes, of the US Air Force, whom most of you know as Iron Patriot...”

Darcy wiggled in her seat at the coffeehouse as they watched the TV. Jane said, “He _did_ talk to Colonel Rhodes about this first, right?”

“Sure he did.”

Jane glanced over the edge of her laptop. “He _did_ , or he said he _would_?”

Darcy hesitated, then shrugged. “Same difference.”

Jane felt a moment of sympathy for the Colonel as Tony went on about how amazing he was at length on national TV.

***

The next headline was ‘People Magazine declares new category: Sexiest Alien Alive’. There was no confirmation on who had made the short list, but Thor was assumed to be the top contender. The following week came the speculation about Colonel Rhodes, a.k.a. Iron Patriot, now being a front-runner for Sexiest Man.

Jane was surprised it took the Colonel half a day to find out and show up at the Tower to demand an explanation. She, Darcy, Tony, and Sam were having lunch in the kitchen when the Colonel came into the room and held up a copy of a reporting tabloid for all of them to see. ‘Will Iron Patriot Be Sexiest Man Alive?’ 

“What the hell is this?” he asked Tony. 

Tony said, “It’s my campaign to get People Magazine to declare you Sexiest Man Alive for 2015.”

Jane wouldn’t have thought it possible for the Colonel to look even more incredulous, but for a brief moment he did. Then he sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Why.”

“Why? Why _not_? You’re a decorated Air Force Colonel—who saved me from dying in the desert, lest we forget, for which I am eternally grateful—and an MIT graduate with a PhD in aeronautical engineering. You’re an actual rocket scientist _and_ a superhero. And, you’re good looking. I’d say you’ve got an excellent shot.”

Sam frowned. “Weren’t they going to pick Thor?”

Tony narrowed his eyes at Sam. “Thor’s not human. He can’t be sexiest ‘man’ alive.”

With a dry look for Tony, Jane added, “And, he doesn’t want to take a title that should go to someone actually _from_ Earth. They made a category for aliens for him and...I guess anyone else who qualifies as an alien.”

“So you decided Sexiest Man should go to me,” the Colonel said to Tony.

“Well who else, really?”

Sam gave Tony a Look. Colonel Rhodes sighed. “Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the gesture, but is this _really_ the kind of exposure any of us needs?”

“Exposure? You fly around in a blue and gray combat armor suit with a great big white star on it, which the government reminds the whole planet of on a continuous basis.”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Hey if he doesn’t want it, _I_ do,” Sam said. 

“Really?” Tony scrutinized Sam. “Superhero, Avenger, visible, positive association with Captain America, good looking, also Air Force...” He looked askance at Darcy.

“Not a hard sell,” she confirmed.

Colonel Rhodes shook his head. “You know, I looked it up—they’ve only ever awarded this to someone who’s not white once, in almost twenty years.”

“Denzel,” Sam guessed. Darcy snapped her fingers and pointed at him.

“Got it in one.”

Sam gestured at Colonel Rhodes. “That’s all the more reason for it to be one of us, Colonel. Sure, we’re visible—but we should be _more_ visible.”

The Colonel rubbed at his eyes. “I cannot believe you guys are serious about this.”

“I can,” Sam said, and rubbed his hands together. “So. Where do we start?”

***

Dorian returned two weeks later to give Thor the updated good news: the Editors of People Magazine wanted to award him the title of Sexiest _Alien_ Alive for 2015. This time Thor was happy to accept, though he had a few requirements. First, there were questions he wasn’t going to answer, mostly about his family and certain specifics about his people. Dorian assured him that was fine, and that they could go over the entire list before they recorded the interview. Second, there were topics he very much did want to cover which probably wouldn’t be otherwise. 

And that was how Jane found herself in a meeting with Thor, Dorian, and one of the journalists who’d be interviewing him (a wiry, olive-skinned woman around Jane’s age with a light Virginian accent who’d introduced herself as Qian). Pepper’s assistant Joaquin had made sure to provide water, tea, coffee, and light snacks (vegetables, dip, crackers, cheese, and cold cuts), but for the most part Dorian and Qian stuck to the water.

“So,” Qian said, frowning at her tablet, “I understand you’d want us to ask some questions about Dr. Foster’s research.”

“Yes,” Thor said. “It is her research which allowed us to defeat Malekith during the Convergence, and of course if not for her studies we would not have met.”

Qian’s expression cleared. “Oh! How you met would be great, actually.” To Jane, she said, “This was when you were in New Mexico studying,” she glanced down at her notes, “gravitational fluctuations and their effects on weather patterns, right?”

Jane nodded. “It turns out there’s areas of fluctuation that indicate weak spots, and if you have the right technology like his people do, you can use those to open wormholes—portals, basically—between two distant locations.”

Qian tapped the edge of her tablet. “Our readership isn’t very scientifically inclined. Would we be able to skew the questions and answers to an audience with less experience?” She cast an uncertain look at Dorian.

Dorian bit his lip. Jane said, “I do plenty of outreach with people who aren’t in scientific careers. That won’t be a problem.”

Thor eyed Dorian. Dorian said, “Yeah, I think we can work that in. But, what you just told us, that’s about as complicated as you can get with it.”

Jane nodded. People Magazine wasn’t exactly the American Journal of Physics. “Got it.”

“So, when you two met, you’d come here through one of your people’s portals?” Qian asked Thor.

“Yes,” he said, and Jane heard a note of reluctance in his voice. 

“Why New Mexico?” No doubt seeing Thor’s hesitation, Qian added, “If you don’t mind saying.”

Thor shifted. “I did not choose my destination. My journey was unplanned, and I was...unprepared for it.”

Dorian raised his eyebrows. “Like mixing up trains, only instead of winding up in the wrong city you wound up in the wrong galaxy?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Thor said, and took to studying the floor. Jane winced, realizing this was dangerously close to things he wasn’t going to want to delve into—in particular, his brother. She opted to fix it the way she fixed all conversations: by butting in.

“Right, so, he came through, which I saw, and it was kind of confusing because an alien’s never popped out of a wormhole, at least not that _I’ve_ read about. Actually before that night I hadn’t read of a recorded wormhole sighting, period. And their wormhole device causes atmospheric disturbances and a lot of light, and it looks similar to a tornado. When that cleared, there he was. So that’s how we met.”

By the time she was done Thor seemed to have recovered. He gave her a warm smile and squeezed her hand. Qian said, “And what was the first thing you said to each other?” She glanced at Thor. “Is there some sort of standard way your people greet other races when you’ve arrived unannounced on another planet?”

“There is,” Thor said. “But first, she struck me with her vehicle.”

Dorian choked on his water.

***

As soon as Steve found out about Tony’s campaign for Colonel Rhodes, he wanted in on the action. Jane was only half-party to the ensuing conversation, because Darcy had talked her into having breakfast away from her desk for once.

“I want to help. But I want to campaign for Sam.” He looked askance at Colonel Rhodes, who was seated next to Tony at the bar, enjoying some pumpkin waffles Bruce had whipped up for everyone. “No offense, sir.”

“None taken, Captain,” the Colonel said in between bites. “Tony’s got me pretty well covered.”

Tony sniffed audibly. “So you’re taking sides against me? Against,” he put an arm around the Colonel’s shoulders, and the Colonel gave him a tired look, “— _us_?”

“This is not about taking sides,” Steve said. “It’s about pushing for _both_ of them.”

“I like it,” Darcy offered from her spot at the kitchen table. 

Tony, on the other hand, clearly didn’t. “Is splitting our resources really the best idea?” he said. “The Avengers backing someone for Sexiest Man Alive is a lot of social currency, but if we’re divided on it—”

“More coverage,” Darcy said.

Dryly, Steve said, “And any time you and I disagree on something the media has a field day.”

Jane remembered the headlines after Tony and Steve had rooted for different baseball teams in the World Series, and had to admit Steve had a point. (Nevermind that Tony didn’t actually care about baseball and had for sure been doing it just to raise hell.)

“Yeah but we don’t want it to be about _us_ ,” Tony said.

Colonel Rhodes said, “Hate to break this to you, but the second you went on TV to talk me up it also became about you.”

Tony blinked, looking nonplussed. “I hadn’t considered that.”

Darcy looked like she wanted, very badly, to offer a helpful comment along the lines of ‘You don’t say’ and was only just keeping herself in check. Jane nudged her. “Don’t,” she said in a low voice.

Darcy nudged her back and made a face. “I wasn’t going to.”

“Mmmhmmm.”

“I _wasn’t_.”

Tony said, “So wait, is everyone picking a side then? Team Rhodey or Team Sam?”

“Thor’s already said he’s pulling for both of them,” Jane said over her shoulder.

“Both of them?” Tony sounded confused.

“Yeah. He wants them both to get it.”

Tony folded his arms. “Only one person can be Sexiest ‘Man’ Alive. It’s singular, this isn’t a team event.”

Darcy said, “Feel free to hash that one out with him.”

Tony jutted out his chin. “Well we’ll just see where the chips fall.”

Steve smiled his best and most devious ‘you don’t actually think Captain America is an innocent poster boy, do you?’ smile. “I guess we will.”

Colonel Rhodes sighed heavily. Jane and Darcy went back to he lab, leaving the three of them to work out how to make the most of the Avengers dividing their loyalties over Iron Patriot and Falcon in the race for Sexiest Man Alive.

***

The result was a circus from start to finish. Clint refused to root for anyone because he didn’t want to be harassed for interviews about it. Bruce always turned every single media spot into a discussion about science, after saying that, like Thor, he thought both Sam and Colonel Rhodes deserved the title. Natasha said she wanted the Rock, until Sam began giving her grief over it nonstop, and then she too said she would love to see them both win. Tony and Steve stuck firmly in their chosen corners. Colonel Rhodes didn’t give interviews regarding the situation, at least not at first. Sam did regularly, and he never had anything less than a kind word to say about the Colonel. (A fan posted a video of someone shouting, “How does it feel to have Black Widow say you’re the Sexiest Man Alive?” to the Rock across a rope line; he just grinned and waggled his eyebrows.)

Steve and Tony had to coordinate their rivalry, because as Colonel Rhodes had warned them the media tried to make it All About Them. They tailored their spots to exclusively focus on Sam and Colonel Rhodes, called out news shows any time the footage was recut to suggest otherwise, and refused any requests for photospreads or articles centering on them. Maria and Pepper continued to refuse to field questions about the whole thing. (Though Maria couldn’t help but insinuate she was Team Sam, and Pepper talked up Colonel Rhodes whenever she could divert a conversation in that direction.)

And it worked; within a week Sam and the Colonel found themselves the focus of numerous requests for additional interviews and photo-ops. Eventually the Colonel agreed to do the occasional interview, though as an active Air Force Colonel he was much more careful in what he agreed to. Sam, on the other hand, dove in head first.

Meanwhile Thor did his photoshoots and interviews (one with Jane where she got to talk up science) and filmed a small spot for The Tonight Show, and Joaquin finagled an interview in Scientific American for Jane. It wasn’t a hard sell; he promised them some photographic access to the labs and a sneak peak at the probes. The article was slated to come out around the same time People’s various Sexiest Whatevers would be announced.

“Thinking it’s gonna be Sam,” Darcy said one evening as they waited for the latest test results on the wormhole device prototype to finish crunching on the Stark Tower’s computing cluster. 

Shrugging, Jane said, “Then the Colonel can get it next year.”

Darcy snorted. “Are you kidding? After this he’s going to forbid Stark ever rope him into anything like it again. I can’t imagine the shit the DoD is giving him over it.”

Jane felt yet another twinge of sympathy for Colonel Rhodes. “Well, who knows. Maybe he’ll get it this year.”

Darcy gave the video on her monitor a dubious look. “Not counting on it.”

***

Because _Banneker_ and _Hypatia_ were being funded by NASA, and because he was, in fact, a rocket scientist, Tony had finagled Colonel Rhodes’ presence on the project once they moved into the propulsion and launch phases. He became more a fixture around the Tower then, usually in the hardware lab. Since Jane still had plenty of instrumentation work to do, they shared more than a few long nights trying to drag every last bit of performance out of the equipment they’d be sending into deep space.

One evening he came in just after Darcy had left. Some of the displays were still playing various gossip videos, and among them was a window showing a piece he’d done with Good Morning America. He grimaced and said, “Mind if I turn this off?”

Jane shook her head. “Go for it.”

He sighed and swept the video away. “Thank you. I hear enough of that on infinite repeat when Tony’s around.”

Jane glanced up from the interferometer’s schematic. “Really?”

The Colonel took a seat at the bench and began re-arranging the displays. “You know Tony. He monitors a situation like this twenty-four seven.”

“That has to be infuriating.”

The Colonel blew out a breath. “You get used to it.” He glanced past one of the monitors at her. “I can’t imagine you don’t run into that level of distraction with Thor and all.”

Jane bobbed her eyebrows. “Oh yeah. But people mostly just want to shove past me.”

He blew out a breath. “Same here.”

“Really? Being a superhero hasn’t put you in a more direct spotlight?”

“Not until recently.”

“As in, when Tony began talking about you any time someone put a microphone in front of him?”

The Colonel nodded. “Pretty much.”

“Well, they’ll be announcing it soon. It’ll probably all die down then.”

Shaking his head, the Colonel said, “Here’s hoping.” A handful of gestures, and he’d brought up the SpaceX launch system for _Hypatia_ on a set of displays.

Jane smiled to herself. They spent the rest of the evening working in relative peace and quiet.

***

The announcement of Thor as People’s Sexiest Alien Alive didn’t surprise anyone. Neither did the cases of magazines Tony had delivered to the Tower so he could hand them out to anyone who visited, all of Stark Industries’ employees, and anyone on the street who made eye contact with Tony.

Jane eyed her copy. The cover sported a perfectly nice picture of Thor, though to Jane’s eyes he seemed largely incapable of looking bad or even just ‘plain’ in any photo so maybe her judgment was skewed. The internal article was accurate, if sometimes a bit sensationalist. (She knew that was less likely to be Qian’s fault than the Editors’, and made a note to write in and say how happy she was with it. Or, to have Darcy write in under her name.) On the plus side, they’d left in the sections about Jane’s research, so there was hope that would pique the interest of at least a few people.

The rumor mill continued to swirl about Sexiest Man. The Rock and Lenny Kravitz and David Beckham were all considered top contenders now, alongside Sam and Colonel Rhodes, so Steve and Tony were pulling out all the stops to make sure their friends remained going concerns. Darcy kept her finger on the pulse of the situation around the clock.

As they walked back from the coffee shop one afternoon, she said, ”Ugh, _seriously_? How is David Beckham even in the running? What has he done lately that _anyone_ cares about?”

Between sips from her Americano, Jane said, “Probably something.”

Darcy made a frustrated sound. “I doubt it’s anything as cool as what Sam and the Colonel have done.”

“I can’t imagine how it could be,” Jane agreed, and not just because she really didn’t know much about David Beckham.

Later that day Darcy burst into the lab while Jane was nursing a Thai iced tea and struggling with a particularly difficult data set fresh from ALMA, saying, “They announced it!”

Jane was still mentally buried in work, and so assumed Darcy meant the launch date for the probes. “Yep, got my email an hour ago.”

Darcy groaned. “No, not—whatever you’re talking about. Sexiest Man Alive!” Jane glanced up to find Darcy’s tablet only a foot from her face. A picture of Colonel Rhodes, looking sharp in his uniform, filled the cover of People Magazine. “It comes out next week. Tony’s already ordered copies for us.”

Jane couldn’t help but smile. She suspected that, despite his reluctance, the Colonel would still enjoy it. 

“Who’s consoling Sam?” she said.

Darcy came to sit on the edge of her desk. “Steve and Natasha. But he was pretty happy it was one of them, so I don’t think he needs _that_ much consoling. And there’s always next year.” She set the tablet aside and swung her legs. “So. Party.”

Naturally. “Starting when?”

“Basically now.”

Of course. Tony would take just about any excuse to have a party—not that he really needed one. “I’ll be there once I’m done.”

Darcy made a face and slid to her feet. As she exited the lab, she said over her shoulder, “Don’t make me send Thor to come fetch you.”

***

Darcy did, in fact, have to send Thor to remind Jane to go to the party. He took the task of reminding Jane to attend the mixer very seriously, which was to say he spent an hour putting the new ALMA results out of her mind (which weren’t cooperating with her data models anyways), and after that pleasant distraction a party seemed like a reasonable way to round out the evening. They showed up fashionably late after taking a moment to freshen up in their modest apartment.

The penthouse was noisy and crowded, though as always Thor kept people at bay and Darcy ran interference. Colonel Rhodes seemed to be enjoying, or at the very least wasn’t put out by, the attention that came with the whole affair. He and Tony were telling some sort of story to a cluster of guests who laughed and raised their glasses as it came to its end. Elon Musk stopped by to talk about the probes, and Tony made sure everyone who already hadn’t met Thor did now. 

As the night wore on, the guests trickled away, until it was just a handful of them chatting in the kitchen. They congregated around the breakfast bar, where Tony and Steve had spooned out bowls of ice cream for everyone still awake. 

Jane was near the end of her endurance for a party, but Thor made for a comfortable recliner, and she sat in a barstool chair and leaned against him. This was Jane’s first chance that night to talk to Sam, and she said, “Condolences.” He smiled ruefully and shrugged.

“It’s fine. There’s always next year, right?”

Steve clapped Sam on the back. “And next year you’ll have been a superhero for an additional year,” he said.

Jane nodded. “Exactly.”

“Also next year you won’t be competing against the Star Industries media machine,” Colonel Rhodes said, and chased it with a pointed look for Tony. Tony sighed and offered Sam a bowl of spumoni ice cream. 

“Next year I will put my—”

Pepper cut in, saying, “Your?” with her eyebrows raised.

Tony cleared his throat. “Ah, _our_ , entire media apparatus behind you.”

Maria sighed. “That should be fun,” she said, and traded a glance with Pepper.

Sam seemed to already be looking forward to it. “I can’t wait. Though I want it known, I have no problem with losing to the Rock.”

Around a bite of bittersweet chocolate ice cream, Natasha said, “Maybe I’ll back him next year.” Sam glared at her.

“You wouldn’t.”

Natasha smiled. Steve said, “She would.”

Jane sighed and closed her eyes as the conversation drifted to the question of who would help Natasha in her quest to see the Rock declared Sexiest Man Alive. At some point she found herself back in her apartment, lying on the bed while Thor showered. She realized she had dozed off and no doubt been taken upstairs, though try as she might she couldn’t be embarrassed at the thought of everyone watching while Thor carried her off to the elevator. (However she reserved the right to be retroactively embarrassed if someone produced a picture of it.)

She sighed and got up, and cleaned herself up before bed while Thor finished in the shower. By the time he was out she’d already curled back up in bed, and so was only dimly aware of the mattress dipping under his weight when he joined her.

He slid his arms around her, and she rolled over and buried her face in his chest. “Congratulations,” she mumbled, and he laughed.

“Thank you.” He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry if the attention has been troublesome for your work.”

She shook her head. “Exposure’s a good thing, no matter how much I hate it.” She smiled. “Besides, how many astrophysicists can say they personally hit the Sexiest Alien Alive with a car.”

“And yet it is I who have the unique privilege of knowing the scientist who seeks to bridge the gap between Midgard and the other Realms.”

Jane could feel herself falling asleep despite how nice Thor smelled and how good it felt to have him holding her after a long day and evening. She murmured, “You know, you already got the title, you don’t need to keep convincing me you’re sexiest alien.”

Thor mmm’d and rubbed her back. “And what if I enjoy the convincing.”

Jane sighed. She wanted to savor his attempts to convince her, but she was fuzzy headed from drinks and just plain exhausted. Fortunately he seemed to understand. “But you need your rest,” he said. She made a sound of agreement.

As she drifted off, she heard him murmur, “I shall resume my efforts in the morning.”


End file.
